The Personalised
Lord of the Rings

Book 1 - The Fellowship of the Ring

Many years passed in Southampton and Wizzo spent his time as all hobbits 
do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Wizzo was raised 
from his bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem 
so Wizzo hurried to see who it was making such a noise.

Wizzo opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was Nik 
the wizard.

Nik, is it really you? cried Wizzo in delight, bordering on disgust. 

Do not put on the ring! warned Nik. I was not going to, replied Wizzo.

Nik appeared pale and wan. You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the 
land of Slough and was created by the hideous evil p3on, the Dark Lord 
BOF. It will kill you and suck out your soul.

AAIIEE! said Wizzo, I shall give it to you.

Yes, thanks a bunch. But rather you should take it to those who dwell in 
that magical place, Newbury. They will know what to do with it, lied Nik. 
Turning to the window with lightning reflexes Nik thrust his body through 
it and grasped the leg of a small hobbit.

Aha! cried Nik as he tried to pull the small creature through the now 
broken window, How much have you heard?

Nothing at all Mister Nik, except all those things you said.

Culture, laughed Wizzo as Nik mangled Culture's leg, What are you doing?

Begging your pardon Mr. Wizzo sir, I didn't mean any harm by it, whimpered 
Culture, I haven't told anyone else and I would dearly love to see Newbury.

Nik gave Culture's leg one last slap and said Then you at least shall 
accompany Wizzo, as shall Groodles and Mouce who are also outside.

You complete p3onhead, Culture! laughed Groodles and Mouce unmerrily.

Wizzo, Culture, Mouce and Groodles began the journey to Newbury. Nik had to 
go and speak to the boss wizard, T4ngo and so would meet the hobbits later. 
He left them with a cautionary warning, Avoid using the road and do not, 
whatever you do, go anywhere near the barrow downs.

On the barrow downs, the hobbits were looking for shelter from the dark. 
Let's go in this tomb said Mouce. They all agreed that this was a good idea 
and got attacked by barrow wights.

Just as the hobbits were about to have their legs removed by the undead 
fiends, a door of light opened out of nowhere and out popped a 
gaily-dressed man. He began to sing:

I am Tom Bombap3ono
You naughty barrow wights
I'll cordwangle-o your nadgers-o
On a cold and frosty night
Twangdillo gorillo brillo padillo

The hobbits all lost consciousness at hearing this glorious song that spoke 
of the eternal power of nature. They awoke next day in the sunshine. The 
barrow wights were nowhere to be seen and neither was Tom Bombap3ono. 
Fortunately. Let's get on the road where it's safe said Mouce.

Nik arrived at the tower of T4ngo the White, the boss wizard. There is evil 
afoot! said Nik, There are tidings of badness and stirrings from Slough 
that cause my leg to stand on end

So I see, said T4ngo. But enough of such things. I have become evil. Where 
is the ring? T4ngo parted his robes, For I have become T4ngo OF MANY 
COLOURS!

What is this? cried Nik, aghast at the naked form of T4ngo beneath his 
robes.

Oh what a p3on, I forgot to put my many-coloured robes on said T4ngo, 
quickly replacing his cloak. Now get to your room on top of my tower, and 
don't come out until you decide to tell me where the ring is

I hope the hobbits are alright thought Nik. Just as long as they've avoided 
the road

On the road, the hobbits were hiding from a dark rider. It was one of the 
dark lam3rs from Slough. Do not put on the ring warned Groodles. I was not 
going to said Wizzo and the black rider buggered off.

Soon the hobbits arrived at the slaping p3on, an Inn for travellers such as 
themselves. Wizzo signed his name as Mr Not-Wizzo to avoid being recognised.

Greetings Wizzo said a hooded man in the corner of the Inn. I am called 
p3oner by folk, but I am also known as Linxagorn, son of Linxathorn. You 
can call me Linx. I have come to protect you. No evil doers may avoid my 
sword-that-was-broken! and he pulled out a stump of a sword, If they get 
close enough.

Culture said How do we know we can trust this p3oner, Mr Wizzo? I mean 
Not-Wizzo.

I think that servants of BOF would seem fairer and feel like more of a p3on 
said Wizz. Whereas I feel fairer but look like a p3on! laughed Linx. Yes 
said Wizzo. Oh. said Linx.

Linx led the way to Newbury. On the way the companions heard a sound of 
hooves, a tinkling of bells, and the refrain of Dancing Queen by Abba, sung 
by a gay and jolly voice. Ah! called Linx, It is Patch the elf.

Linx coo-ee. said Patch as he flounced off his horse and the two friends 
hugged for more time than was strictly necessary.

Patch began to impart his news, Ooh, let me tell you, you wouldn't 
belieeeeve it. Those naughty lam3rs are on your trail. What a pullava! Oh 
no, here they come. And he was right, for in the distance the forms of the 
nine lam3rs were bearing down on them.

Fly, Wizzo, fly said Patch, Or better still, get on my horse and ride. Ooh 
what a bitch. And don't put on the ring.

Wizzo leapt onto Patch's pink horse. My horse is fleet of fetlock. They 
will not catch you. cried Patch as the lam3rs caught up to Wizzo and 
stabbed him.

Sorely wounded, Wizzo escaped the clutches of the lam3rs and spurred his 
horse on to the ford. He reached it and crossed, but had to stop, 
exhausted. The lam3rs watched from the other side of the river. Come back, 
come back, to Slough we will take you. called the lam3rs with grim voices. 
Your leg, your leg, we will slap it with a poker. Oh, and give us the ring.

You shall have neither the ring nor my leg screamed Wizzo as he fell off 
the horse. Nothing can stop us now except the very river rising up against 
us said the unlucky lam3rs as they crossed the river which then rose up 
against them and swept them away like lam3rs-shaped leaves in a river.

Wizzo woke up in Newbury's intensive care to see a familiar face smiling 
down on him. Nik, is it you? he murmured. Indeed it is, p3onish one. 
replied Nik kindly. You have been healed by the elves of Newbury said Nik 
and went on to describe what had befallen him since last they met. But how 
did you get away from the tower of T4ngo? asked Wizz. I escaped explained 
Nik inadequately. Also I went to look for that pathetic creature Groodles. 
It was he who first held the ring and was corrupted into the weasely little 
p3oner that told the evil BOF of its location and e'en now seeks it again.

It was a pity said Wizzo, that the little runt Groodles was not slain 
earlier. Nik sucked on his pipe for a few moments and concluded Yes it was 
indeed a pity. Groodles is a worthless shit.

At the Council of Newbury the free peoples of Middle Earth gathered 
together 
to decide what should be done.

A tall man of the south called Killing spoke up. You should give the ring 
to me and I will become ruler of the world. Did I say that out loud? and he 
sat down sheepishly.

A short stumpy dwarf called FearHawk said You must destroy this weapon of 
BOF and he set about whacking it with his axe, which was a bit inconvenient 
for Wizzo as he was wearing it round his neck at the time. Stop this 
foolishness said Nik. BOF has heard of hobbits and Southampton at last and 
wants the ring back. But it will corrupt any of us who wield it. We must 
destroy it in the fires of Mount p3on in Slough where it was created. 
There shall be nine of us on this dire mission, to match the nine lam3rs 
who ride. These nine shall be myself, Wizzo for the hobbit folk, Linx and 
Killing for the men, FearHawk for the stout dwarves, Patch for the girly 
elves and Culture, Mouce and Groodles for cannon fodder.

And so the stout band began their perilous journey to Slough. They tried 
to cross the mountains but it was a bit snowy so they turned back. Linx 
said BOF's leg has grown long indeed if He can throw snow at us all the way 
from Slough. Nik agreed, His leg has grown long. We cannot go this way, we 
must go another way. A way that I have walked before but the memory of it 
is evil.

What way did you walk? asked Mouce Was it worse than the way you walk now? 
Nik set Mouce's leg on fire and continued, We must go through Moria, the 
abandoned Kingdom of the Dwarves!

I will not go through Moria gnashed Killing, What does the ringbearer say? 
Wizzo thought for a moment, We should go through Moria he said. Who gives a 
p3on what you think? Give me the ring and I shall destroy all before me and 
become King of the World! Kneel down before Killing, HAHAHAHAAAAA! Gandalf 
began to have doubts as to the wisdom of bringing Killing along.

At the doors of Moria was a sign. It read Speak p3on and enter. Hmm hmmed 
Nik, But what to speak? Linx ponced up to the door, Aside gnarled one. I 
have reforged my sword-that-was-broken. It has been mended anew. No mere 
door shall stay my sorcerous blade, wielded by my awesome sinews. I shall 
smite it thus! And thus! And... oh no I've broken it again. And he began to 
cry. You are an utter p3on, Linx said Nik. At that the doors opened.

All you had to do was speak the word p3on and it would open said FearHawk. 
That figures said Patch gaily, You Dwarves are a bunch of p3ons.

The fellowship entered the dark empty halls of Moria. Be very, very quiet 
commanded Nik No Mouce, don't juggle next to the well/burglar alarm! But it 
was too late as Mouce dropped his juggling balls and unicycle down the 
well. You p3on of a Mouce! said Nik, kicking him in the leg.

We must be swift, intoned Nik as the knob on the end of his staff began to 
glow, Follow me and my glowing knob. Did I say something funny Groodles? 
Right, I will lead you from danger into the light. he said, walking into a 
room full of orcs. Oops! said Nik.

We must run from this place, cried Nik, turning to see the rest of the 
fellowship disappearing into the distance. Nik ran after them.

Hotly pursued, they reached a great stone bridge over a mighty chasm. The 
horde of orcs stopped. Linx, who was hiding behind Patch's prancing form, 
strode out. Ha ha! They are afraid. Afraid of Linxagorn and his 
sword-that-is-knackered! See how they cower before my manly chin.

Then a most monstrously hideous creature with a disgustingly awful visage, 
leapt over the thronging throng of orcs. It filled the cavern with its 
loathsome bulk, its unwholesome face contorted in a rictus of bestial rage. 
Linx wet himself.

AAIIEE! mentioned Patch. A SmartMonkeyrog is coming. We are all going to 
DIEEEEEE!

This is a foe beyond all of you. said Nik, Fly you p3ons, fly! Nik turned 
to see that again, the fellowship had already hopped it. As the pig-ugly 
SmartMonkeyrog smashed Nik through the bridge and into the abyss, Nik 
thought bitterly Actually I could have done with a bit of help.

About a mile from Moria, the fellowship stopped running. Linx was 
hysterical. They're going to get us and cut our legs off. I'm too beautiful 
to die.

Patch minced forward. Tell you what. The Elven forest of Lorien is near 
here. We could stay there until things blow over. They're a lovely bunch of 
boys.

That is not what we say in Gondor. growled Killing. Then you are p3ons in 
Gondor. said Linx, I've spent many a gay night in the company of the Elves. 
No one sought to challenge him on that.

In Lorien, the fellowship were made very welcome and were given magical 
pastel-coloured cloaks with lovingly sewn-on sequins and black leather SS 
caps to stave off the cold in the coming quest. Wizzo was asked to come 
before Strych, lovely Queen of the Elves. She was beauteous indeed. The 
very sight of her caused Wizzo's leg to swell.

Greetings, my lttle Wizzo. said Strych, I have a gift for you. And she gave 
Wizzo a hug.

Thank you, my lady Strych. said Wizzo when he got his breath back. Whenever 
I am cold and lonely, the thought of that hug will sustain me.

The fellowship left the glitterball-infested forest of Lorien. Oh dear said 
Culture, Are we going to that 'orrible Slough place Mr Wizzo? Wizzo 
considered a moment and said I need to think about this by myself. I will 
go up on that hill to think alone on my own without anyone else.

I will go with you. said Killing.

On the hill, Wizzo was in deep thought. Then Killing appeared. Give the 
ring to me Wizzo and I will use it to be King of the Universe, get loads of 
money, girls and drugs, get shit-faced every night and destroy utterly, 
anyone who gets in my way he said. I'm sorry Killing but I can't help but 
think you might misuse it, replied Wizzo. That does it. yelled Killing, 
unsheathing his sword, I'm going to slice your leg off. Wizzo became 
alarmed at this and put on the ring. He disappeared from sight.

What have I done? cried Killing. Wizzo, you have misunderstood me. Come 
back! Then Linx appeared, What has happened here? he asked. Nothing, 
honest. said Killing May I be shot full of arrows if I'm not telling the 
truth.

Thus ends Book One of the Lord of the Rings